Pimping my ride

Road cyclists understand the importance of weight. Every ounce counts. It’s a difficult choice between a short-sleeved jersey and a long-sleeved one; I know this. Your bikes are made of unicorn bones, held together with the tears of kittens. For this reason, I would ask you, for your own good, to look away now. This article will cause you real, physical pain.

Because I have been pimping my ride.

Let me attempt to defend my actions. I was bought this bike by a sympathetic mother-in-law who saw that I needed to get to tutoring appointments, without spending everything I earned on diesel. Therefore, my sturdy hybrid was fitted with mudguards and a pannier rack before it even left the shop.

Next came the cycle computer, an essential motivating aid. It was from Argos and lasted two outings – until I was caught in a spectacular thunderstorm, treated all the local motorists to a wet t-shirt show, and discovered the difference between “waterproof” and “water-resistant.”

Then I went mad on the Wiggle website, as I found rather more dosh in paypal than I’d expected. I decided I needed a saddlebag, and a mini-pump and multi-tool to go into it. I analysed the reviews and noted the measurements, and managed to buy a pump 0.5cm too long for the saddlebag. I can only assume that the saddlebag was measured from the outside and the pump from knobbly-tip to knobbly-end.

Not to worry. The pump would attach to the bottle carrier bolts, right?

Aha. Female-specific bikes (or mine, at least) only have one set of carrier bolts. The slanted frame gets in the way, you see. And I had a bottle carrier already fitted. To get the pump on there as well will mean longer screws.

So for the moment, the mini-pump can float around in the panniers with my textbooks and pencils.

Never mind; let’s get the saddle bag fitted! Oh, and the lovely new lights I’ve bought.

A picture tells a thousand words. But just in case you can’t bear to witness the awful things I’ve done to my pride and joy, let me spell it out. Yes: the saddle bag doesn’t fit properly because of the pannier rack. Yes: the saddle bag prevents a rear light attaching to the seat post. Yes: the type of lights I have bought do not fit the pannier rack, and lurch at an odd angle.

Well, I’ve got this far with it. I may as well go the whole hog, and get me some of those blue LED strips to run under the frame, and some pink fluffy dice to dangle on the handlebars. Have I increased the value of my bike, do you think?